WORD! Troll Patrol: SPAM Makes Me Wanna Cut a Bitch!!

Did you notice something new about the site?? No?? OK, maybe it is hard to notice if you are not me, but I succeeded in eliminating 20,278 SPAM trackbacks and comments on old posts of I.G. Impossibly Glamorous. I turn off all comments now, because in some cases the website is liable for the content of comments—hence, the need for comment moderators on major websites. I believe this depends on the country, but why take a chance? I’d rather spend my time developing quality content than policing my site for ads sent from Nigeria to try “This weird old trick to lose belly fat” or buy “Land for sale in Delaware.” And, yes, I can see where the spammers come from, since I can view the IP Addresses of all who visit Impossibly Glamorous (HELLO LATVIA!!).

This deluge of SPAM really chafes my taint. They should rewrite Dante’s Inferno, and put a *CIRCLE OF HELL* for SPAMMERS between the carnal malefactors (horny people) and gluttons (basically half of America). Out of the 20,278 Spam Messages I vanquished to digital oblivion, there was SPAM of every size! SPAM of every color! SPAM of every langauge—I noticed it in English, Russian, French, Tagalog and HTML. I would like a look at the faces of these ASSHATS that pollute my website. I figure SPAMMERS are mostly teenagers in Burkina Faso or other developing regions. More than the SPAMMERS themselves, I want to see who actually clicked on these messages. In the same vein of “The People of Wal-Mart” I would like to see “The People Who Clicked on SPAM.” That being said, I fucked up an office computer once by downloading images of a shirtless Mario Lopez to masturbate to use as my wallpaper, so I can’t really talk (don’t judge).

Most readers didn’t notice because the majority of SPAM was on the older posts. Also, SPAM senders are getting tricky and even poetic. One SPAMMER whose email address was for “MAINE VACATION RENTALS” left the following Biblical philosophy on July 26, 2011:

Death is generally considered a morbid subject. As Christians, should we think about death? If so, how should we think about death? If not, why shouldn’t we think about death? As Christians, we need to know Luke 9:23 [Then He said to them all, anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.

How death and finding Jesus is supposed to make people flock to rent condos in Bangor, I don't know. This SPAMMER needs to read the scripture, in Matthew, chapter four, verse seventeen, it says 'Shut the fuck up!' (© Margaret Cho). What an honor that people would decide to invest in real estate after reading my hard-hitting articles such as, "Lesbian Fiancée Fiasco" and "Anal Sex is Like Working at Wendy's."

In addition to SPAM for real estate, clothing is a big category for SPAM. SPAMMERs shill apparel such as catsuits for women, backpacks, sarongs, yoga pants, Michael Kors wallets, purses and "cheap suits for men." Also, LOVE is to be found by clicking on my website. I deleted well over of two thousand SPAM messages advertising escorts in London. You can get a new outfit then hire someone to take it off with all by clicking on the SPAM on Impossibly Glamorous.

Also, we encourage education here at Impossibly Glamorous, so you could click on SPAM for scholarships. Indeed, a rather interesting choice of minority groups could get some cash by clicking on the SPAM here. That includes:

Scholarships for Minorities, Scholarships for Hispanics, African-Americans, Minority Women, Scholarships for Women Over 40 and the Bill Gates Scholarship. The biggest "What the Fuck" scholarship by far was the, "Scholarship for Left Handed People."  Are the southpaws of the world hurting that much financially?

Then of course we have SPAM for lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of

PORN!

Whether you are into shrimping (toe sucking), Latina hotties, Mandingo stallions, horny bear videos, DILFS, donkey punching or dirty sanchez, you could have accessed it from I.G. Impossibly Glamorous. There are myriad ways to bust a nut on my website. And of course there were the obligatory ads for penile enhancements, discount viagra and semen enhancer. I kinda wanted to click on the ads for SEMEN ENHANCER, not because there is any problem with my man batter, but because I just want to know how it gets enhanced. Does it glow in the dark? Create Einstein-level genius babies? Mutate my cock into Mothra? Really, the possibilities are endless!

In addition to this Garden of Earthly Delights accessed from our fabulous webspace, there were various and sundry SPAM that just didn't create a cohesive category, but here you go:

Medical Marijuana

Baltimore DUI Attorney

Send Money to India

Get abs

Colon Cleanse

Taylor Lautner Workout

Hugh Jackman Workout

Self Tanning

Botox

Undereye Circles

Toto Toilets

Swarovski Evil Eye Bracelet

Portable Printers

Tahitian Noni drink

Filipino Food Recipes

So after spending a week or so deleting this smorgasbord of fucking SPAM messages, I am finally SPAM FREE!! Free at last! Free at last! Thank God, Almighty! I am FREE AT LAST!! That being said, you! Yes, YOU SPAMMER looking at my website from your village in Uruguay or mountain hut in Laos. FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!

Go away! Go to Ann Coulter's website! Just get the fuck off my website or I will hunt you down in whatever dysentery-infested swamp you crawled out of, AND I WILL CUT YOU!! All I am saying is I am gay and grew up in Kansas, so I KNOW HOW TO FUCK A BITCH UP if I need to. So if you even think about posting something like:

[...]By the way you might want to check out this cool site I found…[...]…

You need will end up needing to do this:

Download How to Get the Man’s Foot Outta Your Ass (Actual SPAM)

END SCENE.

Send questions about life, love or something random to charukyu@gmail.com or just use the “Ask Something” tab up above!  Also, I highly recommend you buy my book on AmazonBarnes & Noble or Smashwords. Everybody is talking about it!! Beijos!

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