WORD! Troll Patrol: Taking the Piss as They Say

In Troll Patrol, I bring you comments of marvelous insight or ignorance posted on the great anonymous equalizer known as the Internets.

I found a funny comment on the Guardian online. It pokes fun at the Imperialist mindset of the old UK Empire:

“There’s nothing more self-promoting and grandiose than sailing around the globe, sticking a Union flag in the soil of an ‘undiscovered country’ and telling the bewildered natives: ‘I say, chaps, jolly nice fruit you’ve got here and thanks for all the beads—but I’m afraid we’ll have to insist that you turn over all your land, gold and precious minerals, become our slaves and learn to speak the King’s own English. Alright? And for God’s sake put some clothes on—this is now a Christian country!’ How’s that for barefaced cheek?!”

The original article was some long-winded piece that bored me, but I like how British people can “take the piss” (make fun of) their own country without some Republican Bible-thumper from Kansas calling them a Pinko Socialist “Anti-American” Muslim. Every regime needs a bit of criticism. This comment by a net denizen named Phud got me thinking—how could the same concept be turned on Pax Americana? Most of the world finds the USA’s foreign policy to be imperialistic and contemptible. Maybe we could say something like this:

“Howdy partner! Sure we will ‘help’ you discover the glories of democratic capitalism. Us Americans will do this by imposing a blood-thirsty dictator in place of whoever you have now. The new leader can be as ruthless and heartless as they want as long as they aren’t communist. Your pseudo-democratic despot will also be sycophantic to the whims of the of a bunch of fat old Senators catering to big industry while fooling their constituents with long-winded quotations from the Bible. Why didn’t you read? In Luke 37 Book 5 it says, ‘Jesus said US Americans can stomp over any nation we wish as long as they have oil and blame it on the terrorists. Just ask Mary Magdalene.’ That is before the part in Ecclesiates where Jonah says that all men deserve to live in a free country unless you are Palestinian or Native American.”

I wonder if people from the UK ever look at the USA and think à la Dr. Frankenstein, “We’ve created a monster!!” If so, they have nobody to blame but themselves. They were the ones that shipped their religious rejects over here to begin with—talk about immigration karma! Oh, here is the original Guardian article the comment was on. I now just wait for said Kansas Bible-thumper to call me a Pinko Commie Sodomite Muslim.

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