Home Daily Zeitgeist When GAY MARRIAGE Takes Dixie…

When GAY MARRIAGE Takes Dixie…

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Thank you to the SCOTUS for finally allowing me to live somewhere I can get married. Now the rest of the USA will get covered in pink glitter tout de suite

So we have a map of the USA outlining where gay marriage is legal (full map here). Basically, I believe the next BIG TURNING POINT will be in the South. Specifically, I believe Texas and Georgia will be the first (followed by Louisiana), because they contain the gay regional hubs of Dallas, Austin, Atlanta and New Orleans respectively. Keep in mind I mean TURNING POINT… it’s obvious a few battleground states will join the FRESH THIRTEEN soon.

To remind you what states constitute the FRESH THIRTEEN, the states where gay marriage is legal are as follows:

California, Connecticut, Delaware, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Hampshire, New York, Rhode Island, Vermont, and Washington

So next we have those freeloader “battleground” states that never seem to make their mind up until November 5th in the Presidential election:

Ohio, New Mexico, Florida… maybe Virginia. Now that marijuana is legal, maybe Colorado. And I highly anticipate the legal prostitutes of Nevada to march on Carson City for the Million Hookers March. Obviously they are on track to support us all in every depravity possible!

And eventually we are going to have a map that leaves Texas and Georgia alone in Jesusland (continued below)

Jesusland

 

-with the likes of Mississippi and Kansas (I’m from Kansas, I can say this). That’s when Jay Leno starts making jokes that Austin is run by the Flintstones. The gays that hitherto made Dallas, Atlanta etc. somewhat trendy and livable leave EN MASSE. And you know what will happen then? When the gays vacate the dusty, zealot states?

That’s when we reach the point no one in those states can talk to the deaf, because the lesbians are gone (copyright Margaret Cho). The only haircut available in Austin is “The Rachel” from 1995 by Large Marge. Camp stereotypes aside, a state without gays is a state without color, fun or true diversity.

Finally, one thing will begit the necessary change:

THE ECONOMY, My Friends

Now San Francisco and LA are set to have an economic bump New York and Boston have enjoyed in the form of hotel bookings for gay honeymoons. For gay wedding receptions, restaurant and catering businesses will get a boost. And look! LVMH is sponsoring a float at Gay Pride due to the copious amounts of champagne being guzzled at homosexual nuptials. HuffPo suggests that a gay marriage bump could be worth more than $123 million (link). That’s when the good people of Dixieland in El Paso, in the Ozarks, in the French Quarter and Sugarbaker’s design shop will reconsider which side of history they wish to be on. The Atlantic has some fun interactive maps for you to play around with. Their data suggests that Tennessee or Virginia will be the first Southern state to fall, and I believe that is largely thanks to efforts of the Dollywood Glam Squad Association. I’m pretty sure Reba and the Dixie Chicks will melt into medusa-like harpies without their squadron of homos to keep them Nashville-ready.

For my part… my money is on Hawaii to make the FRESH THIRTEEN turn into THE FRESH FOURTEEN… they are well aware of the merits of the PINK DOLLAR and hula skirts cost money, honey. Á bientôt!

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Charles is an author of the comic memoirs Impossibly Glamorous and San Francisco Daddy. Follow him on major social media platforms @kingcharles0921 by clicking below.