Movie Review: Noah

 

Russell Crowe as Noah

I’m not sure what movie I just watched, but I don’t think it was about Noah’s Arc. Darren Aronofsky of Black Swan fame took on this Biblical epic to mixed success. It was at times surreal and thought-provoking, but I don’t sign off and recommend this movie. It was all just kind of weird, and I figure stoners will watch this movie in cannibis-heightened glee for many years (don’t do drugs, kids).

Noah (Russell Crowe) and his family live in a extremely desolate and rocky place. Their outfits are all very Celtic-peasants-after-a-Viking-raid chic. Noah is a vegan propaganda think piece, as Noah has savant-like powers to receive communications from the Almighty and talk with the animals or some shit. Emma Watson shows up as some made up character named Ila who serves as an important role. She is an adoptive daughter who Sham or Japheth or somebody needs to procreate with—how else will humans reproduce once all of humanity is destroyed by the Deluge? Noah’s children were all boys, and I’m pretty sure Noah has dibs on his wife. Anyway, Emma Watson is barren and can miraculously make babies when Sir Anthony Hopkins shows up as Methuselah and cures her with his mystical cooch-healing powers.

At least Russell Crowe looks sexy and bear-like as Noah, and that’s good because having this cinematic turd-biscuit on his résumé is really not good. If acting does not work out for him, he can totally model for the San Francisco Bear Pride Calendar (link) or lend his spectacular *cough* singing abilities to Bearforce One (link). Actually, Bearforce One is really too good for Russell Crowe, since we heard the damage he is capable of when he put the “miserable” in Les Miserables. Anyway, I like the bear look, but the movie Noah … well it was interesting. I’ll give it that, but I will not recommend this movie. If you are into ganja or on an airplane *maybe* check it out.

If you have 5 minutes to waste, the trailer is below: