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Star Trek: Let’s Talk About Spock’s Eyebrows

charlesayres — Fri, 17 May 2013 07:41:15 +0000

For Star Trek Into Darkness, I’m going to start with the conclusion: the movie is attractive and clever – the dazzling effects way overshadow a few small flaws.

After Avatar I think Hollywood didn’t know what to do with 3-D for a while, so we got a lot of cinematic dingleberries such as Clash of the Titans. If The Great Gatsby and Star Trek Into Darkness are indicative of the direction that visual effects and imagery are going, then count me as optimistic for the future of 3-D filmmaking. I think this year might be sort of a landmark in terms of technical achievement. Anyway, back to Lt. Uhura et al…

I’ll be honest when I heard about a new Star Trek movie, I thought ”Can I be bothered?” I think the general consensus is that the brand has been moribund since the end of The Next Generation TV series: no amount of rehashing, voyagers or wormholes could lasso the series back to the mainstream, though I salute the Trekkies for being so loyal despite the mediocre Star Trek ventures of the last decade. Anyway, Star Trek Into Darkness is the highest quality Star Trek offering since Clinton was President and Arsenio Hall was popular: the Golden Era when Deanna Troi sashayed across the bridge in her pneumatic Betazoid glory.

As a prequel, Star Trek Into Darkness takes us back to Captain Kirk’s time when a terrorist attacks Star Fleet in London and San Francisco. We know it is San Francisco because we see a trolley. Chris Pine as Captain Kirk is an incredibly hammy actor, but we forgive him because of his boyish charm and enormous crystal-blue eyes which take up half the screen. His Rihanna-sized forehead takes up the other half of the screen. Anyway Kirk disobeys Star Fleet and has a lot of “why are you damn logical” yelling at Zachary Quinto’s Spock. They put their differences aside to chase the terrorist into Klingon territory, but I won’t give any spoilers away. Will they all die? It’s not like there aren’t 79 episodes of the original series and 6 movies that occur after this movie. Anyway go see Star Trek because the effects are amazing. Almost as amazing as Z Quin’s eyebrow game (copyright Dlisted). The movies at this point are a little too meta and self-referential for me, but it is quality entertainment and like I said this year might be sort of a landmark in 3-D quality and effects.

Final verdict: 4/5 Stars

Can I take the kids?: Yeah. PG, it’s all pretty tame.

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Impossibly Glamorous – Giveaway

charlesayres — Sat, 11 May 2013 05:38:56 +0000

The Impossibly Glamorous book giveaway on Goodreads is now finished! Congratulations to the winners. Keep tuning into my website, as you never know when you get cash and prizes again on Impossibly Glamorous… Á bientôt, mes cheries! Have a nice weekend!

The Great Gatsby Review: It’s OK to Be a Stalker When You’re Leonardo DiCaprio

charlesayres — Fri, 10 May 2013 09:04:48 +0000

Did you have to read The Great Gatsby in high school? I remember it being a bright spot on our syllabus of American Lit 101 for two reasons:

A. It was short

B. It was kind of fun

Trust me when we were slogging through dreary classics The Grapes of Wrath or Catcher in the Rye I looked forward to the upbeat Gatsby. As great as Steinbeck and Salinger are, let’s be honest they are kind of Debbie Downers…

Anyway, Baz Luhrmann of Moulin Rouge acclaim gathered every flapper dress, Clara Bow-lookalike and piece of glitter in the Tri-State region to create the carnival that is the film The Great Gatsby. From your high school lit class you’ll probably remember that Gatsby is this poncey, nouveau riche dilletante with a major boner for Daisy – the woman that got away. He is so hot for Daisy, he moved across the lake from her in Long Island. OK, just a quiz for you ladies – I am pretty sure in the Book of Love there is a chapter that says moving across the pond from your ex is kind of stalky and creepy. If a guy who looks like Zach Galifianiakis does this, you’d bitchslap him with a restraining order. No but when The Great Gatsby played by Leonardo DiCaprio does this it is a vision OF TRUE LOVE (swoon). Anyway, Daisy and her husband both cheat on each other and complications arise once stalker dilettante DiCaprio comes along. The rest of the story you must see for yourself…

The best part isn’t the story so much as the fun festival-like atmosphere of the movie that Luhrmann does so exquisitely. The Roaring 20′s look like way too much fun, and I’m pretty sure we’ll all be playing “count the flappers” come Halloween, because I know half my friends will dress like Daisy. I imagine this will win the Oscar for costumes. I definitely want the DVD so I can pause it to look at the costumes more closely – especially the slinky Goth-flapper actress and African American dancers in the speakeasy.

Final verdict: 5/5 Stars

Can You Take the Kids? PG-13 drinking, partying. Your kids will totally rip off the movie to write their book report in high school, so I say make them read ole F Scott Fitzgerald first! Trailer below:

Impossibly Glamorous Giveaway!! 2 Days Left…

charlesayres — Tue, 07 May 2013 20:48:15 +0000

2 days and 10 hours left to enter to win a copy of Impossibly Glamorous via Goodreads. Your chance to win is RIGHT HERE!

* Je suis désolé! The Goodreads contest is limited to the USA, but you can always purchase copy on Smashwords, Barnes & Noble, Amazon, Kobo, iTunes and just about anywhere! Thank you!

Iron Man 3: Give Me Robert Downey Jr. BACK!!

charlesayres — Fri, 03 May 2013 07:49:27 +0000

Superhero movies make me feel queasy – like that time I ate those day old McNuggets and the sweet chili sauce had been out too long. They make me queasy, because I suffered through some of those truly craptastic Batman sequels of the ’90s (I liked Catwoman, though). This is why I had never seen an Iron Man movie. Then I thought to myself rationally, “Robert Downey Jr. in 3D, how could it not be awesome?” Superhero movies tend to be the same anyway: guy in a costume basically is invincible with lots of cool toys, blows shit up, gets the girl, THE END. Anyway for the love of RDJ I went to see this movie, and it actually was pretty good. I’mma break it down for you one time:

Robert Downey Jr. in a glitchy metal suit obviously pissed off some nerd on New Year’s 1999. We know it’s 1999 because that corny ass BLUE song by Eiffel 65 is playing. Anyway this nerd (played by Guy Pierce) carries a mean grudge, because here we are in 2013 and he is still going on and on about it. The Spice Girls moved on. Toni Braxton moved on. Why can’t this guy move on from 1999?

To exact revenge Guy Pierce has an elaborate plot that involves explosions and kidnapping the President. His minions throw fire (?) from their hands and regrow their lost limbs. All of this is done in the presence of Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) who spends two hours getting exasperated at RDJ and kidnapped when their tony Malibu property gets blown to oblivion by heat-seeking missiles (this was kind of rad). Will Iron Man die? Will the evil nerd takeover the world and murder the POTUS? You probably know the answers, but Iron Man 3 offers enough snappy one-liners and bad-ass effects to lure in someone like me – a man allergic to superhero movies.

I believe the Iron Man saga is concluded, so can I please have my Robert Downey Jr. back? He walked into my life in Less Than Zero and Soapdish back in the day, and he’s either been shooting heroin or appearing in superhero schlock for so long, I don’t think I’ve seen him in a movie in more than a decade. Just to remind you of his greatness, below I post a scene from the masterpiece that is Soapdish. Hopefully RDJ will soon have this superhero crap out of his system, and he can now return to something worthwhile… I did your superhero flick, so when is Soapdish 2 coming out?

Final Verdict: 4/5 Stars

Can You Take the Kids?: They have some suggestive scenes with Miami hookers. My guess is 12 and up can handle it.

Chris Kelly of Kriss Kross Has Died

charlesayres — Thu, 02 May 2013 07:00:28 +0000

I just can’t. I saw Amy Winehouse comin’. We see Lindsay Lohan comin’. But fuckin’ Kriss Kross has died. This hurts especially bad, because I so did inverted fashion of Kriss Kross in my Kansas City Royals jersey my grandfather bought me. Rest in Peace and God bless Chris Kelly… read the details on Dlisted, TMZ or anywhere. I may never wiggle and shake my rump again.

Redneck Princess on the Bayou: A Movie Review of “Mud”

charlesayres — Thu, 02 May 2013 06:02:26 +0000

McConaughey guns for an Oscar in this moody Southern novella – he’s a criminal on the run with a big catfish in his pants for Redneck Princess Reese Witherspoon. I have to say the two best movies I’ve seen this year are Mud and The Place Beyond the Pines which both paint a melancholy and sympathetic vision of rural American blight.

Mud is a modern Huckleberry Finn and features two boys who stumble upon a boat haphazardly thrust into a large tree during a flood. The kids scheme to use this boat for their own devices when they discover a vagrant Matthew McConaughey is living there. He is hiding out, and for a starving man who subsists solely on pork n beans, he has amazingly sculpted pecs, glutes and quads. What am I wasting my time at Crunch Fitness for? Obviously canned beans and living in a tree-boat is the way to achieve physical perfection…

So McConaughey is a man with a past, the kids get involved and Reese Witherspoon may or may not reunite with her beached paramour. I won’t reveal anymore of the plot, but my favorite part of this movie is that the textures and accents were well-done, and the 2 hours plus the pic runs flew right on by. Having spent many summers near Ozark country, the movie reminded me of people and places I had seen without feeling condescending or contrived. When Redneck Reese works her wedge-heels at the neighborhood Piggly Wiggly while buying Fritos, you feel the desperation. I give it 4.5 out of 5 stars! Check it out if you can (or at least Netflix it) – I imagine it will contend for some awards next year.

Impossibly Glamorous Giveaway!!

charlesayres — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 01:40:34 +0000

Sweety daaahlings! Thank you for visiting my Impossibly Glamorous online palace. As a token of my gratitude, I’m holding a giveaway of the paperback version of my book – there is still time! Entries end May 10th!

To enter jump to Goodreads at the link HERE! Á bientôt! Thanks for playing!

Ess Eff! Things I Do Like!

charlesayres — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 03:56:54 +0000

Since people think I am some hater, I made a list of things I do like in SF. It still makes me laugh that people got so bent outta shape about my Bay Area Reporter piece. I suppose irony is lost on people with low IQs. I do like a lot of things here, which is why I chose SF when I really could have gone anywhere when I left Japan. Let’s have a think…

1. The weather: I dislike extremely hot or cold weather, so I like the year-round mildness. My area is very foggy, and I like the Gothy, film noir moodiness. It’s very unique!

2. SoMa and Castro: Though I rarely drink, I like there is usually somewhere happening with people. I kind of wish the music in the gay bars was a little more up-to-date – I feel like I’m hearing the same tired remixes of Lady Gaga from 3 years ago. It’s a small complaint, I like the scene in general.

3. Diversity: On my block alone we have Latino, African-American, Chinese, Filipino and Gothic lesbian households. I think my friends with multi-racial backgrounds like that they have more peers here.

4. Major Tours: Trust me growing up in Kansas City it was annoying to always see Madonna or Prince touring and they often skipped KC. Major tours seem to hit HP Pavilion, the Cow Palace or Oracle Arena.

5. Decent Radio: I like the hip hop and R&B stations here, and the rock station the Bone. The Top 40 stations are slow to program new music compared to LA or NYC, though. Oh, and LOVE openly gay personalities Fernando and Greg.

6. Museums: DeYoung and others are great. I love the LGBT History one in the Castro.

7. Dore Alley and Folsom: Don’t ask me to work the Monday after these events. The Furries might be holding me hostage!

8. Tech Boom: Silicon Valley/SF are ground zero for YouTube (Google), Facebook, Twitter, Apple. I went to an awesome alumni event at the Googleplex in Mountain View – C’est incroyable!

9. Food Culture: I like that people have health-conscious food on their minds. I like my Mission burritos, too.

10. Magnet/Queer Resources – I like there are a lot of community and gay resources. They have a great community outreach!

There are other things I can think of, but that’s all I’ll write for now.

Three Letters: H-O-T

charlesayres — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 06:06:31 +0000

So I got roped into watching “Jurassic Park 3-D” today, and I all I have to say is Jeff Goldblum… is … not quite hot in this scene. Did Spielberg come up with this shot? I bet Jeff Goldblum’s agent put him up to this.

Anyway, it was fun seeing this. I was remiss in that I didn’t realize this movie was now 20 years old. The movie aged pretty well. Oh… and PUPPETS. I felt like I haven’t seen an actual puppet in years. All the reliance on CGI in today’s movies feels a bit lazy compared to this. Time for a comeback by the people that run the old Jim Henson Studio.

The puppets and screaming kids and such were fine and all, but for me the true star of the movie was this outfit Laura Dern sports while digging up old raptor bones. Denim on denim in the Mayim Bialik “Blossom” hat steal the show. It makes me want to go shopping for JNCO jeans at Merry Go Round (remember Merry Go Round?).

Did you have a laugh? Consider buying my book Impossibly Glamorous in paperback or digital. Find it on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, Kobo, Smashwords and just about everywhere!