Friendship » IG – Impossibly Glamorous

I.G. Advice: Straight Guy’s Bro-mance Turns Sour

Hi Charles, I feel like I may get berated for asking this, but here goes.
I have a friend I’ve known since grade school. He was there for me when I was the picked-on “new kid,” he was there for me when I had my first heartbreak, Read the rest of this entry »

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My Inner Lesbian

Come, darling! Shed the skin that’s held you in, held you for too long.

I have many times thought I’d make a better Lesbian than a gay man. Why? You might ask. Well Lesbians, the friends I’ve had anyway, are very into friendship, deeper commitment, having children, and true love. Read the rest of this entry »

I.G. Advice: Should She Cut the Cord?

Dear King C, I like my friend, Melissa a lot . She’s always been very supportive and sometimes helps me with my work. But she is always complaining about being tired, her husband, home situation and rattles on and on. She phones me almost everyday and continues to go into details about her days, even about what she is going to cook for her family. I try to hang up, but she keeps on talking. Sometimes I hold the phone away from me because I can’t stand it anymore. I’ve suggested ways to help her improve her situation, but she never takes any advice. Nothing ever changes … I don’t want to hurt her or suddenly cut her off, but I’m irritated at the same time. What can I do about the situation without hurting her feelings? She’s also sensitive when people slight her and gets angry. Frustrated in Franklin City

Dear Frustrated:

Well I can see exactly why she gets slighted, since she sounds like her intuition about how much people want to hear from her is off kilter. I also feel sorry for Melissa since she sounds lonely, but she refuses to incorporate the positive changes you suggest which is driving YOU, Ms. Frustrated, around the bend.

This is tough one because I have been in your position a few times. You have that friend *THAT YOU LOVE* and they are just one bit of bad news after another … for months … then years … coming up on decades. You love them to death, but you have obviously become their emotional dumping ground. Frankly, I am in favor dialing a wake-up call for this type of person, especially when they seem to thrive on the bad news rather than make positive changes in their life. You might suggest she exercise more, since that lifts your endorphin levels naturally making people less mopey. Or possibly suggest group activities such as a book club where she can make new friends. Time to stage a little intervention (I refuse to write “friend-tervention”).

Every advice columnist trots out the old “Have her see a therapist!” right away, which I don’t always find helpful since a lot of people neither have the money nor the time for this (unless she speaks with a therapist who can provide a sliding-scale). If Melissa has the time or money for therapy, casually say, “Have you ever considered a therapist? I was feeling down and out once, and I have the number of this one guy.” It sounds like Melissa needs more than one sounding board for her troubles, and if therapy is an option for her be a real friend and tell her.

When life truly does hand you a series of sad times or hardships, then definitely stick around for your friend. The problem here is you are feeling you like a sponge to wipe up all her emotional messes. Distance yourself if that is what you need, but try to be available because you might need someone to listen to your sob story one day as well.

Need some advice about life, love or something random? Send me your burning question to charukyu@gmail.com.

I.G. Advice: The Emotion Behind the Emoticon

Hey Charles-

I have a question! My BFF can’t seem to make a complete sentence without using an emoticon. I will leave the occasional happy face, but sometimes she uses emoticons in a way that vexes me. For example, I had to leave a party early last weekend before she arrived, and she wrote, “Thanks for ditching me :=)” or she will constantly text me, “You are such a silly ho ;~)” at random moments. Is she really upset and is there more behind her parenthetical smile? Sometimes I feel like she hates me and just hides it with an emoticon.

Speak the Truth, King C – Email Diva

Dear Email Diva,

Maybe she does hate you and just hides it with an emoticon. But probably not. We live in a world now in which symbols such as :o) to show you are happy or –!– to flip someone the bird have become part of the way we communicate. Personally, I like m(_ _)m to bow down in apology or say “I’m not worthy!” Of course, there are more rude emoticons for breasts and sphincters, but rather than repost them here, I am going let you ask the wisdom of Sweet Lady Google should you have a real itch to know. It is almost as if we have re-entered the Age of Hieroglyphics (well China and Japan never really left, but irregardless).

Back to your friend with Emoticon Diarrhea- I do think at least in part she is acting out some passive aggressive pissy-ness towards you, especially if that is what your intuition tells you. Since I don’t know her, I can’t say, but maybe she isn’t angry at all, as it is notoriously difficult to read emotion from a text or email. You might be thinking, “She totally hates me” when she might be thinking, “Should I buy another moccacino?” (In cognitive therapy they refer to this as “mind reading,” where you negatively read an emotion from someone who isn’t actually angry with you). Or maybe she is saying, “I’m mad, but not THAT mad.” I am guilty myself of leaving an occasional “:=)” almost as a warning e.g. meaning “I could be pissed at you, but we’re cool.” My verdict is you take a chill pill for a second, but if she starts acting like more of an (_*_) you have my permission to say (^ｰ^)ﾉ~~~~　(goodbye). — Charles